Here is new weekly “language feature” #1: pussies and dicks

8 Feb

“Women who act like men”

 

It’s not a few times I’ve been told, directly or more often indirectly, that my behavior is too masculine. For those of us ladies who grew up surrounded by guy friends and just wanting to be one of the boys, it’s maybe not an uncommon side effect, right? Nobody, after all, wants to be called a pussy, even if you own one. And sometimes you have to play a little tough for someone to take you seriously. But tough is being the opposite of a pussy, and it’s tough to be tough when the very thing you’re not supposed to be is attached to you. Well, not even attached. It’s just there. If it were attached, as in something that looks like it could be detached, i.e. hang there, this might be a different ballgame. If pussies were detachable! I shouldn’t talk about it that way, because it implies I think dicks are detachable. They shouldn’t be.

No guy friends of mine ever complained about my toughness or attempts to not be a pussy, because sane people can separate having a pussy from being a pussy. What they can’t do is negotiate nuances – you’re either a dick or a pussy. Sometimes there’s more to being tough than just avoiding being a pussy, such as ignoring someone who’s being a dick even when you look like an asshole because the dick thinks you’re a pussy, or keeping your mouth shut for peace’s sake when you really want to say something to someone who is a dick even though you look like a pussy for not saying something, or not being a dick to a pussy because it’s just a decent thing to do, or being a dick to a person who is a dick but is secretly a pussy inside so the dick realizes that inner pussiness – and then sometimes there’s just being a dick because someone else is a dick and you have to fight dick with dicksince pussies don’t fight…or at least they always lose out, since they’re pussies.

The problem is just that even if my guy friends can separate having the pussy from being a pussy, having a pussy still counts double against you when you’re trying not to be a pussy. This is in Kant somewhere. So you have to act like more of a dick. That’s the source of my being too masculine, really. I’m just a dick because I have a pussy. If I could go ahead and not have that pussy count double against me, I could probably be just your regular tough guy trying to wade through everyday life and do the things I’d like to do like everyone else on that crazy broad spectrum of human interaction that is daily workplace diplomacy since no one has homes or families anymore in my generation, we all just work and that’s it except for drinking on weekends and maybe the midweek hot toddy.

As far as how it affects my attractiveness, I think it’s very simple. I can’t be too much of a dick because no straight guy wants a dick. He wants a pussy. It’s a conundrum. Everybody’s always telling you not to be a pussy, but no man will deny he wants a pussy. Send me the memo when you figure it out.

 

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One Response to “Here is new weekly “language feature” #1: pussies and dicks”

  1. Cowperthwait February 8, 2011 at 2:54 pm #

    If David Foster Wallace had Tourette’s, this sentence.

    Sometimes there’s more to being tough than just avoiding being a pussy, such as ignoring someone who’s being a dick even when you look like an asshole because the dick thinks you’re a pussy, or keeping your mouth shut for peace’s sake when you really want to say something to someone who is a dick even though you look like a pussy for not saying something, or not being a dick to a pussy because it’s just a decent thing to do, or being a dick to a person who is a dick but is secretly a pussy inside so the dick realizes that inner pussiness – and then sometimes there’s just being a dick because someone else is a dick and you have to fight dick with dicksince pussies don’t fight…or at least they always lose out, since they’re pussies.

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