The GOP time machine: culture wars all over again, because there’s no economic crisis

11 Feb

America, here is what your news is about again today: ABORTION.

Pretty much all the major news outlets are talking about Mike Pence’s plan to defund Planned Parenthood, because of those stupid videos made by an insane-looking newsmonger who wants to be a Hollyweed actress, and here we go, success, America no longer has to worry about the economy, or the future, or Obama’s stupid plan to Win the Future or get skin-lightening surgery so he can look like Ronald Reagan enough to convince some half-blind Olds that he is no longer a Kenyan in 2012, and welcome back to 1995 when we pretend like the economy’s awesome, there’s a popular Democrat in office that Republicans hate with a passion, and the only thing Congress really has to worry its pretty little head about is the culture wars. Nope, nothing else to worry about.

Is this proof that even Republicans in a way long for the Clinton years?

The GOP needs to be at war with something, established fact. They had the Bush years to make real wars, and hey, we still have a war going on right now but I guess that’s losing some traction with the public, and you sort of get the feeling that they have this large penis-shaped file cabinet in a windowless back office papered with photos of Dick Cheney without the redeye removed, and it’s full of folders like “climate change,” “Iran,” “French food,” “abortion,” “gay marriage,” “Mexicans,” “socialism,” “bin Laden,” “North Korea,” etc that they sift through now and again and decide, WAR AGAIN.

And that is what feudal society looked like. Powerful landowners with serfs got bored and said, YES, LET’S DO A WAR and dragged all their annoyed poor inhabitants with them into it instead of creating a better, more prosperous life for anyone but themselves.

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