A collection of idiotic V-Day ideas from around the web

14 Feb

FOX News recommends for guys that you not be your lazy asshole self for one day and actually do some cleaning:

Another report from researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago even suggests men who help clean, take care of their kids, and do other domestic chores may see the benefits of their labor pay off in the bedroom. Choreplay helps women stop stressing about everything else they have to do and promotes relaxation, which research shows is necessary for women to attain orgasmic bliss.

Yes, “research” shows that women can’t cum when they’re stressed out, and a dirty house is most likely the culprit, not your nagging inability to communicate with your wife or help out on a regular basis.

The Courier Mail suggests that when you have a romantic dinner together, don’t eat too much:

Keep portions small and enjoy your meal at a leisurely pace to avoid feeling overstuffed on rich foods. The goal here is to create a meal that excites and draws aahs; but doesn’t overload the senses.

More to the point, you won’t be able to “get it up” if you go into a food coma, so bear this in mind if you are actually that much of a moron to begin with.

This guy writing for some website I’ve never heard of suggests women who don’t know what to do for their husbands on Valentine’s Day give him either sports paraphernalia, OR:

Most women routinely cook for their husbands, so they might think cooking dinner for Valentine’s Day is a commonplace. But with just a few minor changes, the result can be elegant. Dinner by candlelight transforms dinner into a fabulous gift.

Add candles and poof, that thing you do every day because your husband is inept will be more special and definitely not just reinforce his baseline dependence on you! And if that doesn’t seem self-centered enough for your needs, try clothing:

Try to buy your husband things he usually would not purchase for himself, for example a stylish pair of jeans or a fresh pair of shoes. He is likely to appreciate such a gift because it gives him a couple more clothing alternatives without the travails of actually shopping.

Yes, in my experience men just love it when you buy them clothes they don’t already purchase for themselves. They just love to take women’s advice about how their fashion sense is inadequate.

This post about how to impress your lesbian girlfriend is annoying mostly because it sounds like advice for a dumb straight guy who has no idea about even the most basic cliches of Valentine’s Day. Get her flowers, chocolate, a romantic dinner, jewelry! I guess lesbians are supposed to be boring on V-day, too.

And finally this one from Marie Claire, which wins the award for the creepiest set of advice:

If you’re single, don’t let Valentine’s Day make you lonely. Find your other single friends and hang out. But try not to form one of those bitter girl’s groups because single guys like me and my buddies go out prowling for these groups in hopes of easy pickins.

That’s right, women. Try not to hang out with your bitter girlfriends because you may inadvertently become a prey target for douchebag guys, unlike the other 364 days a year.

Happy hunting!

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