Top 5 post-abortion uses for your wire coat hanger

25 Feb

To celebrate Virginia’s new bill to close most of its abortion clinics, let’s take a look at the top 10 things you can do with that rusty wire coat hanger after you’ve had your back alley abortion:

5. Cut one end of the hanger and straighten out the wire to use to unclog the sink when it stops up with all the chunks you spewed during the ensuring post-abortion infection.

4. Squish the hanger into a circle that fits around your knuckles and straighten the hook into a sharp point. Voilà, you have a self-defense weapon against the government when it comes to inspect your uterus.

3. Bend the wire into a circle and stretch some used pantyhose across it to make a sort of paddle and give that and a ball of wadded up tinfoil to your other four kids to play with when your legal defense bills drain your checking account.

2. Tie a bunch of old keys to the bottom of the wire hanger and make a wind chime to remind you of all the locked doors in the prison you will get to inhabit.

1. Bend and shape two wire hangers into wings and duct tape them together in the middle. Tape them up to your back and pretend you can fly far, far away from this nightmare.

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