Semen is your new Prozac, sad ladies

11 Mar

In our new post-apocalyptic America, social scientists have decided that “correlation does not imply causation” was kind of too harsh of a standard.

Hence today’s incredibly exciting new study, paid for by the Lobby of Straight Boyfriends Who Dislike Using Condoms:

“Does Semen Make Women Happy: New research shows that semen may have a positive effect on a woman’s moods”

Gallup, Burch, and researcher Steven Platek surveyed nearly 300 college women on their levels of depression. They administered the standardized Beck Depression Inventory and compared women who typically used condoms or had no intercourse, to women whose vaginas were regularly exposed to semen.

Guess who was in a better mood?

They also struggled with fewer symptoms and had fewer episodes of depression.

Got that, ladies? No word on whether giving dozens of blow jobs also improved women’s attitudes.

I’ve never heard of this site “” that published this guaranteed-page-hits piece (and yes, I’m giving them more). But I think they won me over just because they can’t decide whether the article was written by Dr. John Grohol or Dr. Daniel Tomasulo (are either of them real?), and posted it next to a picture of a girl who looks really excited to be spanked with a pillow, followed by a Seinfeld quote for an epigraph.


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