Catholic League discovers nuance just in time to defend abuser priests

11 Apr

Catholic League rape-apologist-in-chief Bill Donohue decided to take out a full page ad in the NYTimes to piss and moan about how the Catholic priests aren’t the only child sex abusers out there and thus could everyone please stop acting like this is a big deal?

The refrain that child rape is a reality in the Church is twice wrong: let’s get it straight—they weren’t children and they weren’t raped. We know from the John Jay study that most of the victims have been adolescents, and that the most common abuse has been inappropriate touching (inexcusable though this is, it is not rape).

Got that, everyone? It’s only half as bad in the eyes of God because they were adolescents (who, whoops, are legally still children) and they weren’t butt fucked or face fucked or eyesocket fucked, they just were just fondled a little bit. NOT SO BAD.

And, really, everyone else is doing it.

Why are priests being singled out when the sexual abuse of minors among other segments of the population is on-going today?

Easy question, Bill! It’s because of the insane hypocrisy of claiming God’s authority over your parishioners while you rub your peen all over the altar boy and use his tears as a lubricant.

Still not fair, says Bill.

We know from the work of Jenkins, and others, that there is no reason to believe that the rate of abuse is higher among Catholic priests than among the clergy of other religions. Moreover, there has been a slew of stories over the past few years detailing the extent of this problem in the Orthodox Jewish community; some rabbis still insist that sexual abuse cases should be handled internally.

THE JEWS DO IT TOO. This is the ultimate argument.

True to form, the response of a Real Catholic Apologist can never be framed with, “dude, we really fucked this one up.” It must always and infallibly be, “everyone else is also fucking this up, don’t look at us.”

And yet, Bill has one inadvertent moment of clarity.

What accounts for the relentless attacks on the Church? Let’s face it: if its teachings were pro-abortion, pro-gay marriage and pro-women clergy, the dogs would have been called off years ago.

Ding ding ding! You have exactly named why everyone hates you, why everyone thinks you’re a club of hypocritical, disingenuous pieces of shit unfit to lead anyone in any kind of spiritual journey because, while you see all sorts of mitigating nuance in sexual abuse cases, you see absolutely no nuance when it comes to abortion, contraception, or the human rights of gay people and women. And that’s fucking annoying.

See, Bill, you answered your own question!

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