John Stamos will get everyone pregnant on TV

4 May

Law and Order: SVU will be tackling “procreation fraud” or whatever the kids are calling it these days. Erstwhile heartthrob John Stamos plays Ken Turner, a guy who pathologically procreates by “manipulating women.” From Us Weekly:

“[SVU‘s Benson and Stabler] get 20 mothers and children to come to the police station and [this photo] is the first time I see these women. I play the room and play the kids. [My costars] said ‘How could you do this to 20 lives?’ and I said ‘It’s not 20…it’s 47! You only checked the United States! Look around Europe…I have 47 children and I love each and every one of them,'” Stamos hints.

First obvious question: what is the birth control premise? We are assuming since he is good-looking that he did not rape them all. Not John Stamos! So what, then? Did he secretly replace their birth control packs with Pez? Did his partners not notice that the condom just seemed to always magically break every single time? Is he a stealth surgeon who can remove an IUD undetected?

Or maybe he just managed to swap out his sperm with, like, everybody else’s at the donor bank. But that’s a totally boring premise.

Next, does anyone want to explain how this guy can be so busy fucking all these women enough to get them pregnant and keep a job that earns enough to make all those child support payments?

Right, right. It’s TV. Do I really care? No. No one else does, either. We just want to see John Stamos in a room full of women he fucked in order to bestow them with the ultimate gift, because the other way around, Jennifer Garner in a room full of guys whom she bestowed with the clap, is bad television. Or is it?


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