Minnesota House morning prayer now just assigned to anything that talks

21 May

Speaking of other amazing jokes from God, Minnesota’s Republican House Speaker was forced to apologize after it let this bizarre genetic mistake calling itself a “preacher” onto the House floor to deliver the morning prayer. This strange vision of a Ted Nugent skid mark in bodily form declared in his “prayer” that Obama probably isn’t actually Christian. I’m more inclined to think this guy isn’t actually human.

[TPM Muckracker]


Maggie Gallagher declares homophobes are being “shamed” into silence

21 May

Here in our new post-Apocalyptic America, don’t think everything will be completely terrible. Sure, it would have been better if God had just Raptured away all the wingnuts so America could move on with its life, but God really likes the “hate-spewing Christians” joke and the new NBC fall lineup and the possibility of a Michele Bachmann presidential run and Stephen Colbert, so Earth remains.

God also has a new joke just for the wingnuts, so they don’t feel so bad they weren’t Raptured: 53% of Americans now support legalizing gay marriage. Are you laughing, wingnuts? No, of course not.

Maggie Gallagher, chairman of the National Organization for Marriage, said the poll shows her fellow opponents of gay matrimony have been “shamed” into silence.

Oh Maggie G., she of “anal sex will give you an abortion” fame, she isn’t entertained. But does she realize she’s making still more jokes? Maggie says that the people who wish they could shame homos into being invisible are now the ones being “shamed” into hiding! Irony! Maggie could have just said something totally boring like, “God’s wrath will soon rain down upon the amoral promiscuous godless masses,” but no, she went with the one word that would most immediately and powerfully underline the utter hypocrisy of her statement. Maggie and God, a great comic team.


Things cheaper for the government than accidental children

20 May

Following yesterday’s admittedly absurdist mermaid meltdown, today we have some more normal news that probably even sounds a little familiar: unplanned pregnancies cost the government a lot of money! How much? From Reuters:

Studies released by a reproductive rights research group on Thursday show that unintended pregnancies cost U.S. taxpayers about $11 billion a year.

Woah. Let’s do some comparison fun from the FY2011 U.S. federal budget:

  • $7.6 billion for Women, Infants and Children nutrition program
  • $2.3 billion in applied energy research and development to address climate change
  • $11.2 billion for the National Nuclear Security Administration
  • $1.6 billion for child care funding
  • $5.7 billion for the Transportation Security Administration
  • $8.1 billion for the FBI
  • $5.5 billion for Foreign Military Financing
  • $2.1 billion for the Drug Enforcement Administration
So, it costs taxpayers roughly as much to get all those little accidental miracles here in one piece as it does to keep the U.S. safe from nuclear threat. I sure hope it turns out to be a better investment than paying for ladies’ birth control pills!

Secret demon mermaids, or, what attracts rapists to their victims?

19 May

Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic recently skewered the NYT coverage of personal attributes of the alleged DSK rape victim, as told by her neighbors. It’s worth reading.

Perhaps feeling somewhat chastised, today the Times decided to run a story written by a female reporter about the unwanted “glare” of media attention raining down upon the victim (and upon the housekeeper who had a child with Schwarzenegger). Besides just recounting the details that the media should not have originally printed, including the insane and awful NYPost report alleging that the DSK victim lived in a building for HIV-positive adults, what else can this story tell us? Why does everyone want to know about these women?

“It is part of a fascination with the man,” said Suzanne Goldberg, director of the Center for Gender and Sexuality Law at Columbia. “What sort of woman could this powerful man have been attracted to? I think as a society, we care about the lives of powerful celebritylike figures.”

“That curiosity extends not only to their home decorating, but also to who is in their beds,” she added. “The women suffer the collateral damage of our interest.”

“What sort of women could this powerful man have been attracted to?” Ladies, take notes in case you’re interested in attracting your own powerful man.

What sort of women? Just someone with a vagina and breasts who won’t blab about it later, someone who might even, say, appreciate all that flattering attention? No, that’s not enough. Are you still taking notes?

This kind of woman: she is a beautiful mermaid who grows legs every morning just to go in to work at her housekeeping job. Her legs are just a little crooked because the weight of her enormous breasts bends her over when she walks. She can’t always control when she switches back and forth from mermaid to housekeeper. She is part siren and also part demon and there are diamonds in her hair, which sparkle when the right man looks at them. The right man is the only man on earth. Those diamonds also magically emit electromagnetic waves that paralyze the right man’s thoughts and direct them solely at her. Her eyes are a little bit obscene when you look into them – they scream “fuck me” at a pitch only that right man can hear. She goes home at night like a normal person and then climbs into her bathtub to be a mermaid again after she makes dinner for her kids.

She may sound like a nice woman, someone who doesn’t do anything mean to anybody, but no, she’s a secret demon mermaid.

Still taking notes? In reality, the important part is whether the accuser was in mermaid or housekeeper mode when she was raped. It all hinges on this, since it’s just like Odysseus, who can’t resist mermaids when they are being mermaids. This is what we need to know. Reporters have to find this out. It is impossible for men to “not be attracted to” mermaids, just like Odysseus. Are all women secretly mermaids? Maybe they are. Demon mermaids.

I hope you’ve been keeping notes, ladies. Read The Odyssey, and please note that when it comes to attracting powerful men, you are already a secret demon mermaid. She’s just waiting to come out.

Yale frat boys “bitch slapped”

18 May

Bad news for frat boys with no judgment skills! Elitist asshole university Yale announced it is punishing the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity and its moron pledge chanters of “No means yes! And yes means anal!” fame by suspending them from campus activities for five years. It was totally a joke, they said with a pouty face.

Doug Lanpher, executive director of international DKE office, said he was surprised and disappointed Yale made the announcement because he thought the negotiations were confidential.

“We know it was in poor taste,” Lanpher said of the incident. “We don’t advocate what they said. We believe that the chapter’s behavior has changed.”

Meh. Take one for the team, DKE. Sexual misconduct goes basically unpunished most of the time because so many cases are impossible to prove, so think of this as some of the crappy bad karma hanging over all of those other harassers’ falling onto your heads. Is that fair? Maybe not, since your own stupidity seems like a lot of punishment right there on its own. But then again, is it fair I have to weather a period every month and you don’t? No. Live with it.

Video: MN State Sen. Ron Latz speaks against anti-choice bill

17 May

I’ve already spent a lot of time today reading about abortion on the wingnut websites I had to cruise for the last post. But hey, why not. It’s our GOP politicians’ favorite subject of late, so I suppose now it’s mine, too.

The Minnesota Senate already voted to cut state funding of abortions for poor women and to limit abortions to under 20 weeks. Governor Mark Dayton is expected to veto it. That doesn’t make this video of Sen. Ron Latz (DFL – St. Louis Park) speaking against the bill any less awesome to watch.

Latz points out what so many women feel every time these new restrictions on abortion are passed under the justification that taxpayers don’t want to fund them: there are any number of things that taxpayers hate funding — like unjust wars, like the nice government health care plan of any GOP congressman, like crisis pregnancy centers that provide medical misinformation to women.

Yet the fact that the government still spends billions to fight wars to kill children in faraway lands and yet sermonizes about saving $1.5 million on family planning funding and listens to the screeching of an incoherent right-wing agenda that calls itself “pro-life” even as it undercuts social safety nets, health care and education for the increasing numbers of poor — hell, Latz could use a little more outrage.

5 tips for trying to Google search “abortion”

17 May

ThinkProgress posted yesterday about a sneaky new little tactic from the anti-choice organizations out there hoping to trick women: buying up Google ad space to make their ads for Online for Life among the first hits when someone searches the term “abortion.”

Clever! If you can trick women into clicking on websites about staying pregnant when they try to Google “abortion,” they’ll change their minds when they see that fetus circled with a heart on your homepage! Women are fairly easy to trick.

To help a lady out, I have written a helpful list of ways a woman can identify if she has mistakenly arrived at one of these anti-choice sites while looking for actual medical information instead.

1. This is an easy one. If the site talks about abortion like a Michael Bay movie apocalypse terror scenario, this site, like a Michael Bay movie, has no basis in reality.

2. Rule out pregnancy centers that don’t understand how babies are made in the first place.  This is like asking Finn from Glee about how babies are made.

3. Oh look, here’s an organization that tries to raise funds to buy ultrasound machines for crisis pregnancy centers. Pro-lifers imagine this moment of a woman looking at the ultrasound like the kiss at the end of the movie and everyone goes home happy afterwards forever.

Who doesn’t love fantasy? Probably women seeking abortions, who generally don’t change their minds after seeing the sonogram. Avoid sites (and politicians) that believe sonograms have magic powers.

Also, here’s a side tip: maybe don’t let centers with no “medical expert on staff” operate medical machinery on you.

4. You may have to look hard sometimes between otherwise coherent words on a site like this  that even has a section on abortion options, but phrases like “the tiny baby will die” generally indicate bias.

5. Avoid sites that talk about abortion like it’s a shopping trip. Would you like to try on this jewelry? Don’t buy so fast! Make the sales representative let you try it on one more time!

This is exactly like the last time you went to Sam’s Club.