Tag Archives: birth control

Things cheaper for the government than accidental children

20 May

Following yesterday’s admittedly absurdist mermaid meltdown, today we have some more normal news that probably even sounds a little familiar: unplanned pregnancies cost the government a lot of money! How much? From Reuters:

Studies released by a reproductive rights research group on Thursday show that unintended pregnancies cost U.S. taxpayers about $11 billion a year.

Woah. Let’s do some comparison fun from the FY2011 U.S. federal budget:

  • $7.6 billion for Women, Infants and Children nutrition program
  • $2.3 billion in applied energy research and development to address climate change
  • $11.2 billion for the National Nuclear Security Administration
  • $1.6 billion for child care funding
  • $5.7 billion for the Transportation Security Administration
  • $8.1 billion for the FBI
  • $5.5 billion for Foreign Military Financing
  • $2.1 billion for the Drug Enforcement Administration
So, it costs taxpayers roughly as much to get all those little accidental miracles here in one piece as it does to keep the U.S. safe from nuclear threat. I sure hope it turns out to be a better investment than paying for ladies’ birth control pills!

Birth control just cold screwing up human evolution

11 May

Hey Mandy, were you wondering why Jason totally ignored you at the party last night? It’s because you’re on birth control! Oh you little slut, your slut plans have been interrupted. Jason can no longer “smell your pheromones” or whatever, and ironically you now have the best birth of control of all: hot guys won’t fuck you!

From the WSJ:

The females given the contraceptive became overall less appealing to the males than before getting the injection, says Christine Drea, a professor in Duke’s evolutionary anthropology department and senior author on the study. The contraceptive erased all the normal information the odor signals conveyed, she says.

That’s pretty terrifying, except that this was a study done on female lemurs. Scary news for lemurs on birth control!

What other horrible outcomes does hormonal birth control produce?

Research is still in the early stages to explore the implications of taking hormonal contraceptives for women’s choice of mates and for fidelity in relationships. Researchers speculate that women with less-masculine partners may become less interested in their partner when they come off birth control, contributing to relationship dissatisfaction. And, if contraceptives are masking women’s natural ability to detect genetic diversity, then the children produced by parents who met when the woman was on the pill may be less genetically healthy, they suggest.

Jesus, this just gets worse. So not only do you end up fucking Leonard, the skinny, high-voiced dude who was standing over in the corner of the party playing Angry Birds on his Android, but you’re going to end up bearing his weakling, half-wit spawn.

Can we take some comfort in the fact that the research is still in the “early stages” and might just be completely fucking wrong, or a totally incomplete picture? Sure, that should never stop us from all the fun of “speculating wildly” in order to help us remember and reinforce the narrative that women who exercise family planning are “going against nature.” It’s like they’re gays or something.

Meanwhile, “less-masculine men” should thank their fucking stars for The Pill. Make sure your girlfriend never stops taking it, or you can expect to come home and find her fucking Plumber Bob in some position you never even tried with her. And while you’re at it, also don’t forget that you should be looking in the mirror every day worrying whether you’re a “less-masculine” or a “more masculine” guy. Literally the future of the human race depends on this.


  • CBS New York, an alleged actual journalism place, put out the most idiotic article possible about birth control (presumably about the study discussed in the WSJ article, but it makes no mention of that whatsoever, or of what study they are writing about). The brilliant headline: “Study: Hormonal Contraceptives May Take a Toll on Relationships.” The “journalistic approach” of “reporter” Derricke Dennis to this topic is to interview a bunch of random yahoos in the street and then one random doctor who had nothing to do with the study, the end.
  • An actual doctor, Margaret Polaneczky, wrote for the blog Read New York about why the sweeping generalizations in the WSJ article are bogus.
  • News of the lemur study actually appeared in July, 2010. This is the most recent study that the WSJ piece discusses, meaning that the article has absolutely no news peg whatsoever. It’s just a “look at all this stuff I googled and here’s what I’m going to say about it” piece. Good journalism!

Catholic Church once supported birth control in hippie sixties

25 Mar

Well this is kind of fun.

The ladies over in the Philippines would like to guarantee access to free contraception and improve maternal health with a Reproductive Health Bill that has been in Congress for 16 years, and it actually sort of looks like they’re going to win it finally.

Predictably, the Catholic Church is upset about the idea of women having better health and being less poor. Since the country is majority Catholic and they need to win over parishioners, advocates of the Reproductive Health Bill did some research on Catholic teaching about birth control. And lo and behold, a group of bishops appointed by the Pope did in fact once support the idea that using birth control is not a sin.

A 1965 papal commission called together by John Paul decided by a vote of 9 to 3 that birth control wasn’t actually so bad, nor were the pope’s teachings on it infallible.

The official report of the commission said:

  • the teaching on birth control was not infallible;
  • that the traditional basis for the ban on contraception–the biblical story of Onan, who spilled the seed–had been interpreted incorrectly in the past;
  • that the regulation of fertility was necessary for responsible parenthood and could properly be accomplished by intervening between natural processes;
  • and, finally that the morality of marriage was not based on “the direct fecundity of each and every particular act,” but on mutual love within the totality of marriage.

Holy shit, this sounds kind of sane. It’s complete news to me that the Church was at any point actually, genuinely interested in helping its followers reduce the poverty cycle through responsible family planning. I had mistakenly always assumed Church hierarchy had historically kept to its policy of “we should at all times enjoy fucking all of Christ’s children, physically, spiritually and economically.”

So who rained on this commission’s parade?

Oh right. John Paul only got as far down the report as that whole “my teaching is not infallible” part and flipped out and wrote Humanae Vitae, the subtext of which just says “I am never wrong, ever, ever, so fuck you guys.”

Meanwhile over at the commission:

The dissenting members prepared a “minority report” which stated that the teaching on contraception could not change, not due to a theological principle, but because the Church could not admit it was wrong: “The Church cannot change her answer, because this answer is true…it is true because the Catholic Church instituted by Christ…could not have so wrongly erred during all those centuries of its history.” It went on to say that if the hierarchy was to admit it was wrong on the issue, its authority would be questions on all “moral matters.”

So not one person on the commission actually disliked birth control. They just disliked being wrong.