Tag Archives: Catholic Church

Catholic League discovers nuance just in time to defend abuser priests

11 Apr

Catholic League rape-apologist-in-chief Bill Donohue decided to take out a full page ad in the NYTimes to piss and moan about how the Catholic priests aren’t the only child sex abusers out there and thus could everyone please stop acting like this is a big deal?

The refrain that child rape is a reality in the Church is twice wrong: let’s get it straight—they weren’t children and they weren’t raped. We know from the John Jay study that most of the victims have been adolescents, and that the most common abuse has been inappropriate touching (inexcusable though this is, it is not rape).

Got that, everyone? It’s only half as bad in the eyes of God because they were adolescents (who, whoops, are legally still children) and they weren’t butt fucked or face fucked or eyesocket fucked, they just were just fondled a little bit. NOT SO BAD.

And, really, everyone else is doing it.

Why are priests being singled out when the sexual abuse of minors among other segments of the population is on-going today?

Easy question, Bill! It’s because of the insane hypocrisy of claiming God’s authority over your parishioners while you rub your peen all over the altar boy and use his tears as a lubricant.

Still not fair, says Bill.

We know from the work of Jenkins, and others, that there is no reason to believe that the rate of abuse is higher among Catholic priests than among the clergy of other religions. Moreover, there has been a slew of stories over the past few years detailing the extent of this problem in the Orthodox Jewish community; some rabbis still insist that sexual abuse cases should be handled internally.

THE JEWS DO IT TOO. This is the ultimate argument.

True to form, the response of a Real Catholic Apologist can never be framed with, “dude, we really fucked this one up.” It must always and infallibly be, “everyone else is also fucking this up, don’t look at us.”

And yet, Bill has one inadvertent moment of clarity.

What accounts for the relentless attacks on the Church? Let’s face it: if its teachings were pro-abortion, pro-gay marriage and pro-women clergy, the dogs would have been called off years ago.

Ding ding ding! You have exactly named why everyone hates you, why everyone thinks you’re a club of hypocritical, disingenuous pieces of shit unfit to lead anyone in any kind of spiritual journey because, while you see all sorts of mitigating nuance in sexual abuse cases, you see absolutely no nuance when it comes to abortion, contraception, or the human rights of gay people and women. And that’s fucking annoying.

See, Bill, you answered your own question!

Catholic Church once supported birth control in hippie sixties

25 Mar

Well this is kind of fun.

The ladies over in the Philippines would like to guarantee access to free contraception and improve maternal health with a Reproductive Health Bill that has been in Congress for 16 years, and it actually sort of looks like they’re going to win it finally.

Predictably, the Catholic Church is upset about the idea of women having better health and being less poor. Since the country is majority Catholic and they need to win over parishioners, advocates of the Reproductive Health Bill did some research on Catholic teaching about birth control. And lo and behold, a group of bishops appointed by the Pope did in fact once support the idea that using birth control is not a sin.

A 1965 papal commission called together by John Paul decided by a vote of 9 to 3 that birth control wasn’t actually so bad, nor were the pope’s teachings on it infallible.

The official report of the commission said:

  • the teaching on birth control was not infallible;
  • that the traditional basis for the ban on contraception–the biblical story of Onan, who spilled the seed–had been interpreted incorrectly in the past;
  • that the regulation of fertility was necessary for responsible parenthood and could properly be accomplished by intervening between natural processes;
  • and, finally that the morality of marriage was not based on “the direct fecundity of each and every particular act,” but on mutual love within the totality of marriage.

Holy shit, this sounds kind of sane. It’s complete news to me that the Church was at any point actually, genuinely interested in helping its followers reduce the poverty cycle through responsible family planning. I had mistakenly always assumed Church hierarchy had historically kept to its policy of “we should at all times enjoy fucking all of Christ’s children, physically, spiritually and economically.”

So who rained on this commission’s parade?

Oh right. John Paul only got as far down the report as that whole “my teaching is not infallible” part and flipped out and wrote Humanae Vitae, the subtext of which just says “I am never wrong, ever, ever, so fuck you guys.”

Meanwhile over at the commission:

The dissenting members prepared a “minority report” which stated that the teaching on contraception could not change, not due to a theological principle, but because the Church could not admit it was wrong: “The Church cannot change her answer, because this answer is true…it is true because the Catholic Church instituted by Christ…could not have so wrongly erred during all those centuries of its history.” It went on to say that if the hierarchy was to admit it was wrong on the issue, its authority would be questions on all “moral matters.”

So not one person on the commission actually disliked birth control. They just disliked being wrong.

Catholic Church welcomes back woman repentant of her lame “equal rights” stance

28 Feb

I know picking on the Catholic Church is going after the low-hanging fruit, but this is just fun.

What’s the good news today? San Diego nurse Norma Jean Coon up and repented after joining the “Roman Catholic Womenpriests,” a group that, as its name suggests, conducts ordinations of Catholic women priests. The Church considers the group heretical.

Article writer Deacon Keith Fournier wants to remind us why this nice old lady was so wrong to begin with:

The arguments against this teaching [that only men can be ordained] sometimes come from people who do not understand that the priesthood is not a job and have succumbed to the “rights” mentality of the current age.

I’m glad someone out there still has the courage to take a principled stand against “rights” for people.