Semen is your new Prozac, sad ladies

In our new post-apocalyptic America, social scientists have decided that “correlation does not imply causation” was kind of too harsh of a standard.

Hence today’s incredibly exciting new study, paid for by the Lobby of Straight Boyfriends Who Dislike Using Condoms:

“Does Semen Make Women Happy: New research shows that semen may have a positive effect on a woman’s moods”

Gallup, Burch, and researcher Steven Platek surveyed nearly 300 college women on their levels of depression. They administered the standardized Beck Depression Inventory and compared women who typically used condoms or had no intercourse, to women whose vaginas were regularly exposed to semen.

Guess who was in a better mood?

They also struggled with fewer symptoms and had fewer episodes of depression.

Got that, ladies? No word on whether giving dozens of blow jobs also improved women’s attitudes.

I’ve never heard of this site “Yourtango.com” that published this guaranteed-page-hits piece (and yes, I’m giving them more). But I think they won me over just because they can’t decide whether the article was written by Dr. John Grohol or Dr. Daniel Tomasulo (are either of them real?), and posted it next to a picture of a girl who looks really excited to be spanked with a pillow, followed by a Seinfeld quote for an epigraph.

If sex and being thin were a false dichotomy, would you answer the question?

Conducting one of its biweekly surveys on self-loathing, Fitness magazine asked women some slightly apocalyptic questions about sex and weight to get a more accurate picture of our desperation.

A shocking 51 percent of women say in a new diet survey they would skip sex for a year if it meant they’d be skinny, according to Fitness magazine.

Of the 2,400 women surveyed, the rest admitted they would rather have great sex and be 30 pounds overweight.

So that means 49% of women realized, I’m already getting laid, fuck being thin. The first 51% don’t yet understand that the point of being thin is to get more people to want to lay you, so being thin and sex-less utterly ruins the premise.

Half and half? Could be worse.

So here’s my new survey question:

If aliens came to planet Earth and offered to make you thin by performing sex experiments on you, would you like to be thin and sexed all the time at the risk of being implanted with alien life forms?

73% of women said they would like to be thin and orgasm-ridden and asked what kind of life form, and how long it would stay there. Up to a year, and yeah, that would be cool.

[New York Post]